“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
You Might Also Like
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.