nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
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I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.