I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
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Banana is the quietest snack
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
stop