Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
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I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .