My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
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LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
<- sleeps well with others
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.