Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
You Might Also Like
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
the short answer to this question
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
my fav colour is also hitler
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*