[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
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If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Put my back out twerking in the library again
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My love language is deader than Latin
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Okay, I’m still confused…
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.