what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
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Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Brb my Sims are getting married
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
podcasts
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”