I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
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I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Strangers have the best candy.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.