My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
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didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.