See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
You Might Also Like
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no