My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
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My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
This is sending me to another galaxy
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
my name if I was in the mob
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.