I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
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According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit