My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
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My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous