You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
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the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.