Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
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Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.