I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
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priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
You’ll be OK
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
work smarter, not harder
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.