Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
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Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I have obtained a hat
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!