I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
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Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Good morning, Twitter x
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
God making man in his image was the original selfie