The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
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Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw