Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
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If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM