am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
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Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Match dot com, but for socks.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job