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[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.