Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
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[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.