Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
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In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.