[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
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If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n