Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
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WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
guilty
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
“The Perfect Relationship”
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer