I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
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sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.