A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
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The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
How did we not see this back then?
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt