BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
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Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Brilliant!
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now