Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
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My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store