*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
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Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably