I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
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I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.