Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
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{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.