It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
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Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot