16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
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*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow