I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
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STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”