WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
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[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.