(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
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Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.