Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
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Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Oh no
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on