[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
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Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭