Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
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no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Namaste
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says