Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
You Might Also Like
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.