I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
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Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Traveler’s camo
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma