Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
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restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I like crazy people until they notice me
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”