This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
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My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Jupiter
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
People buying plungers never look happy.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.