[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
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Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?