I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
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My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Gemma Correll
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
also my go-to takeaway order
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”