I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
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What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.