My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
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I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
A roof is a house hat.